Fabvlae

The power of doing before being ready.

Gardens at Cliveden House in Berkshire

Like many people, my tendency is to be a perfectionist. So, naturally, the stars have to align perfectly for me to post on the blog. The post must be original, not only that but I must feel like I can't review and edit it anymore, that I have to have a specific amount of photographs to accompany it and they must be masterpieces. I mustn't repeat words too much, the punctuation must be correct, and after reading it you must feel utterly inspired to take over the world in a non-aggressive way, of course, but rather gracefully!
Well, given the fact that nothing is original, really, English is not my first language and I'm not a professional photographer, nor am I married to one... it's going to be slightly challenging (*impossible) for me to meet my own criteria. Besides, perfection is subjective anyhow.

Start

Am I the only one who's like this? Surely not. This is why I'm writing this, for that person who thinks she can do everything herself, perfectly. who has so many wonderful ideas in her head but never acts on it, because circumstances are not favourable in order for her to do what she needs to.
I am urging you today to decide to do what you've been yearning to do but keep holding off. Even if it's only the littlest step. You never know where it will lead you. Don't prepare, do it, begin, with something, anything. Physically push yourself. It's your calling. It's your life on the line. The world is full of ideas, they are quite cheap actually. True power lies in action. Learning also happens with action. So, action it is then!

Preparation

There is something to be said about preparation. Of course, studying and researching is an integral part of any project. The problem is that subconsciously at times we get this false sense of achievement just by looking it up or watching a video about it. We get stuck in a rut of endless research and yet the actual work remains undone. There's only so many violin manuals we can read, however, physically playing it, is what will ultimately make us learn. So we do want to do the pre-work but perhaps we should set a time limit. Limits are great. They get a lot more out of us. When we can simply take our time doing something, usually it takes twice as long to get it done. When we set a time limit we get to the point quicker. We waste less time.

Another reason why we might sometimes hold off starting a project is the elusive inspiration. Ah, wouldn't it be great to feel inspired to go for a run on a rainy Monday morning or start that business you want and will change your life forever? It would be lovely, but the reality is, sometimes, we don't feel like doing what needs to be done.

It was Steven Pressfield who said, "the professional does not wait for inspiration, he acts in anticipation of it". I recommend you look for his work, it is truly outstanding, particularly ''The War of Art'' and ''Turning Pro.''

The deal here is challenging perfection. It is to strive for progress rather than perfection. And no, I'm not suggesting you slack or put out mediocre work. But to do your very best with the tools you have available right now and improve as you go. To enjoy the process, thus avoiding unnecessary anxiety about the outcome. It all comes from the notion of living and enjoying life as you work on your goals, rather than holding enjoyment off for when you finally ''make it''. Make the labour, one of love.
One good example of when I applied this was when I went into labour for the birth of my children. Instinctively I didn't rush, I wasn't anxious about the end goal (to hold my baby in my arms) I was completely immersed on the job ahead. To breathe and to cope, one contraction at the time, one push at the time. Then there is a point that even if I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I was already so invested, I was at a point of no return. So, my only option was to keep going. and so I did.
I believe that this can be applied to many other situations.

Thank you for stopping by!

Much love

Rita

Friday, January 24, 2020
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10 pieces of advice on how to teach children the value of money.

children

Our aim as parents is to pass onto our children all the accumulated knowledge and wisdom we've acquired over the years...

First I want to address the baggage.

We all, whether we admit it or not, have our beliefs and misconceptions about money and finances in general that were passed onto us. Sometimes we commit the same mistakes as our parents, other times we learn from them, but the truth is, if you're reading this, you're probably in search of guidance. Also, you most likely don't want your children to make the same mistakes as you and end up in debt (like you).
Now, I am by no means an expert on the subject, I have made many mistakes regarding finances in the past. But one thing I always do is learn from mine and other people's mistakes. I have to say, researching for this article I've learned a lot of useful information and also many strategies that I don't regard as good ideas. I've also drawn from my own experience as a parent. And so, I've gathered all my knowledge on the matter and compacted it all in 10 bullet points.
You (and your partner) know what's best for your family, therefore you are welcome to adapt these tips to your situation and disagree and make suggestions of course!

You cannot teach something you don't know yourself. Our aim as parents is to pass onto our children all the accumulated knowledge and wisdom we've acquired over the years, albeit in bite-sized fashion, as to not overwhelm them. So perhaps the first task is to get educated about the subject yourself and combine it with past mistakes and lessons from your personal experiences.

I often hear people say "I wish I was younger but knew what I know now!" well... our children are way younger than we are, we've got the opportunity to 'be' younger as to speak, through them. One never knows everything about every topic on earth, sure, however, some things are worth learning so we pass it on. Money is quite a delicate subject, it's also an extremely important one. It influences the quality of life not only of our little ones but of future generations as well.

The best way to learn is to practice, so, start by giving them an allowance, however small.
How much you give your child and how often is entirely up to you and your partner. If you're not sure how much to give them, I found researching for this article, that as a guideline some parents give a £1 or £0.50 per year of their age per week. Usually on a Friday. When I started with my children I gave them less than that, but then, if they wanted something from the shop and they've been ''good'' at school and helpful around the home I would buy it. And I would say why they deserved it. With other things, they had to save patiently every week. At the beginning, they would have the money in their purse and change their mind if they saw something (usually slime) they wanted at the shops, I didn't stop them from making that mistake, but I would say something like ''It's your money to spend as you like, but remember if you buy that slime now, which will be dry in a week, you'll have to start saving again for that VR box'' or whatever they wanted to save for. That made them think twice before making impulse purchases. It's all a learning curve, so try what you feel works best for your family.

Here are my suggestions for teaching children the value of money in order to prepare them for financial success:

1 Consistency is key.

Whatever you decide to do, and if you think is working, be consistent with it. And that means you and your partner must agree to it and be on the same page. Meaning if your child runs out of money for the week but she/he sees a juicy pot of unicorn poo in the shop and desperately wants it and you refuse to buy it with your money, making her/him wait until next allowance, but then she/he goes and asks daddy and he says yes... you know where I'm going... That just teaches them the opposite of what you want them to learn, which is discipline, patience, sensibility, and joy! why not? Money can provide us with a lot of joy and a sense of accomplishment when it's earned fairly.

2 Make it playful.

Actively teach your dc (dear child) about the value of money. Explain how money is a tool that allows us to pay for things and services. Especially when they are quite young, children can get bored easily. So make it fun by ''playing'' around with money (use a fake one if you want) playing shops and using shopping trips to show them that everything we put in the trolley has a price and it all adds up and we mustn't leave the shop without paying for it.

3 Allocate the money.

When you start giving your children an allowance speak about how some of the money goes into savings, some goes to charity ( get them separate piggy banks) and some are for them to spend as they like. The quantities are entirely up to you and your partner.

4 Let them make mistakes.

In the beginning, most children will spend all their money straight away, because it's a novelty, and they feel this sudden sense of power. So, I know it's counter-intuitive but sometimes you need to let go of control and let them learn by experience. This has happened to me and my girls in the past, whereby they impulsively wanted to buy a stash of slime, I reminded them that next week we were going to London to this really cool shop that they were saving for, but they go ahead and buy the slime instead. The following week, when we do go to the cool shop they ran out of money and their slime is all dry, with hairs and lost all the glitter. Ok, be brave and don't offer them more money, however tempted you are, or, if you do, explain that next time you won't and that this money is going to come out of their next allowance. In the long haul, giving in is more damaging than resisting the urge and they must know that it requires discipline and making the right choices. It teaches them to think before buying.
With time You'll find they'll ponder before purchasing anything. Don't you wish someone taught you that?

5 Compensate them for extra work.

Do not give them money for things they are supposed to do anyway, like making their bed, tidying up after themselves, helping empty the dishwasher, doing homework etc. those things are non-negotiable and are part of family life. Instead do offer to pay for extra work, for example washing the patio floor or clear the garden of dead leaves.

This teaches them that if they want more money they need to put in an extra effort.

6 Money is not just for things.

Remind your dc that money also buys experiences, such as a play, a show, a museum, a workshop, a theme park and so on. Do explain that accumulating experiences is more valuable than accumulating things in the long run.

7 Exercising patience.

Whether it's a pair of cool trainers or the latest electronic gadget, children should be encouraged to save up for those luxury items that they want. I, personally don't believe in forcing them, you don't want to attach a negative connotation to the act of saving, but instead show them how much fun it can be, to find they are getting closer to having that shiny guitar in their hands! Help them with a saving plan, setting goals and perhaps offering more money in return for extra work. Or maybe they should sell a few items they don't need in a car boot sale (or a yard sale if you're in North America), set up a business like the classic lemonade stand or sweep leaves off of neighbours' driveways or gardens. Encourage them to use their imagination and help them brainstorm. Be an ally.

8 Speak about investment and other forms of multiplying money.

Depending on your child's age you can explain this in the simplest of terms, or really provide them with a bit more detailed information. A simple way to put it to young children is (for example) that if they put money into an account and don't use it for a whole year, by the end of the year the bank will "give" them more money. Or, let's say that they buy £5 worth of cake ingredients, they make 5 cakes, each cake is cut into 7 slices, if each slice is sold at £1, you'll end up with £35, minus the £5 pounds invested, £30. These are just examples that could give them a general perception of how money works.

This cake example can be put into practice for a charity stand or a school funds raise, that would further set the understanding in their minds.

9 Explain how ''invisible'' money works.

Let's face it, not many of us walk around with a wallet full of cash anymore. Most of our payments are made electronically, and this can give children the impression that paying for things is as easy as swiping a card. So tell them, even if with role play, that the card you pay with has a limit amount of money in it and that you must manage it just as if you had the physical cash in your hands. Maybe take your child with you to the cash machine, withdraw some money and show the figures on the statement. This helps them understand that when you pay, money is actually deducted from your account.

10 The difference between wanting and needing.

Now, this can be a tricky one depending on the level of understanding of a particular child. The important thing to bear in mind is, children are hearing about so many things for the first time in their lives. And sometimes we may send mixed messages, so it is important to be consistent in our communications with them. A very young child may not fully grasp the concept of wanting something versus needing it. When we really want something, even for us adults, it feels as if we need them but we can't go around "needing" everything and sometimes we have to choose. So help them weigh in the pros and cons of buying one item over another.

And finally, just a little bit of a last word on this topic...

Be mindful when making comments about money or buying around children. They learn more by watching than by being told.

Listen to your child, they have this wonderful ability to come up with things that we never thought about, give it a good thought before disregarding their ideas so immediately, and explain why you don't think it's a good idea, they might reply with a better idea. It will make them feel as though they have a voice and a say.

When you discuss past mistakes, such as the child spending all their money on sweets or other "silly" things, try to not use an accusative tone. This will only make the child feel guilty and associate money with negativity and there's no need for that. Children are young (duh!) they have time to absorb all this information, they don't need to learn everything in one day. Make it digestible.

You are probably going to make mistakes as we all do, just make sure you learn from them and teach your child the better version. You got this ;)

Thanks so much for stopping by.

Much love,

Rita

Saturday, January 12, 2019
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Note to self.

encouragement

This is a note to myself and to everyone who's overwhelmed trying to build a better life for themselves and loved ones.

Life is ironic sometimes... when you need a hug and encouragement it's when people avoid you the most. That's ok, don't take it personally, they are fighting their own battles as well.
I'm here to tell you that you can be the person who tells you what you need to hear. You're trying, you're working on something for a long time and you don't see results, but if you look back you'll see, you've done things, you've tried and you've learned. It wasn't in vain. You're doing great, even under challenging circumstances. It's all part of the growing journey, all part of the human experience.
Learning is doing something.
In life, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it. The key is to keep going when others would've given up, is to take the hit and get up and keep going, is to constantly straighten the steering, reassessing, but keep going. Always follow your curiosity, it will take you where you need to go.
Things might not happen as you wished, or as fast as you wished, but trust the timing of your life. For it is happening now, and your heart is still beating.

I'll leave you now with a poem by Charles Bukowski.

Roll the dice

If you’re going to try, go all the way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

If you’re going to try, go all the way.
This could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

Go all the way.
It could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
It could mean freezing on a park bench.
It could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery, isolation.
Isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your endurance,

of how much you really want to do it.

And you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

If you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
You will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

Do it, do it, do it.
do it.

All the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

And I'm doing it. Enduring the long distance between us. Facing myself when there's silence and darkness.

Working while losing my passion for it. Living in a city that left me long ago. Pushing time forward. Trying to live my dream. Holding my future close by. Reading Wilde's words and still smiling. Because I'm doing it!

xx

Rita 💓

Friday, March 23, 2018
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How to refresh your home without going overboard on shopping.

decor

Spring is fast approaching, but, you don't need to wait for it to start spring cleaning and refreshing your home...

You know what? Sometimes a girl does not need a new wardrobe or a new haircut (I know!), sometimes a girl needs a new house! Jokes! But hear me out...

Not all of us can purchase a new property in the blink of an eye (sigh...) Second best is to simply refresh your home. And, it does not have to include getting a bunch of new stuff. You can easily move things around, repaint old furniture add covers to a sofa, re-upholster an old chair etc. so here are some suggestions that I found to be effective:

➸ Define your style

Get to know your personal style by thinking and writing down what you're into. Are you practical or fussy? Do you like things kept to a minimum or lots of detail is more your thing? Do you lean more towards a modern aesthetic or you're into nostalgia or perhaps you like a bit of both! Are you into a particular era? Make sure you write down everything.
Also, take into consideration the people who share the home with you... Your partner should have a say, a home is created also with a bit of compromise, unless he/she doesn't care, then go nuts! Create a board on Pinterest to give you ideas and inspiration.
You don't have to have the perfect decor just yet, but knowing your style will make it easier to know what to work towards. Over the years we tend to acquire things here and there that don't make any sense anymore and we can't even understand what on earth we were thinking when we bought them (guilty)... Don't just buy stuff you find cute or nice... Think if it goes with the look and atmosphere you're trying to create.

➸ Create a put together look

There is a way to make your place look somewhat concise. When you get into a room there are objects that immediately jump to your sight, whether is the pillows or the curtains or maybe a wallpaper... well, there shouldn't be a lot of these features if you want to create a harmonious look. I mean if the curtains have a bold print, then opt for simple cushions that are plain but are one of the predominant colours of the curtains, for example. If let's say your sofa is quite plain, then your cushions can have prints to add a bit of colour and dimension, they can even match the curtains but be careful to not overdo it! When using print it's a good idea to mix geometric prints with florals and softer patterns to make things a bit more interesting while harmonising visually. If you don't like print that much, you can play with texture instead, there are really no rules, it all depends on your style.
The colour pallet can be limited but it's where the items are placed that makes the difference.
It's all about balance.

➸ Be flexible

There is something to be said for unpredictability... You don't want your home to be predictable and boring, so, go a bit out of character and ad an unexpected feature, or a conversation starter.
I know this is really random but, I live in a small Victorian cottage, so space is a problem, I don't have a dining room so all the action happens in the kitchen. We have a world map on the wall, and no matter who comes over for dinner always starts a conversation relating to travel, where we've been, where we would like to go or world history... It's a lovely inexpensive addition to gatherings. My children even made up a game because of the map. There was a time I wanted my kitchen to look a bit less cluttered so I took the map off the wall and our meals weren't the same... I just had to put it back on!
If you like modern decor, maybe get a really unusual antique with a story behind it. Or if you're into classic traditional spaces maybe get something really wacky and unexpected that's going to make your guests LOL to tears!
Rome wasn't built in a day, so, easy tiger! No need to be strict, be fluid. Try new things, only then you can see what works for you and your family.

➸ Work with what you have

Yeah, you know... move things around, and not in your mind. really do it!
I had my children's bedroom in the same arrangement for years because I thought that was the only way that worked in order for us to have space to move around a bit. It is quite small, it's supposed to be a double bedroom, I've got my doubts... Anyhow, recently we've changed the bedroom wallpaper and so had to move things around to get to the wall. It was like magic! The room looks a lot more spacious and bright! I can't believe I hadn't done it before!
So, physically move the furniture if you can, it's a great workout too!
Also, refresh your furniture by painting it, making decoupage or just waxing it or varnishing it to
make it all lovely and shiny!

Before
Got this vintage table from Ebay for a bargain. Actual photo from Ebay post, sorry about the quality.

After
Chalk painted it white with gold details and varnished it et voilá!

I used gold paint to show all the beautiful detail.

These are the original knobs, just painted them and did some découpage with a bit of tissue napkin.

Découpaged drawers, why not? I believe in making the most mundane things extra special!

The inside of the drawers.

This was my first time doing découpage with tissue napkins and it was a challenge.

➸ Check lighting and scent

Lighting is so important to create a pleasant ambience. There are times in the day where you need clear white light, especially if you live in a dark, grey country like I do (I 💓U merry old England)! However, in the evening it can be a little too much after a long day so make sure there are yellow dim lights throughout your home to create a cosy atmosphere and be all Hygge and stuff. Either get light dimmer switches or have the ceiling lights bright and the lamps on tables quite weak in intensity.
The scent is a very personal thing so just think about the flowers, fruits and spices you like the smell of and choose a brand you're happy with. Candles are my favourite way of getting my house to smell divine, but scented wax and diffusers are a lovely choice as well.
Personally, I love the ones that smell like clean laundry hanging outside in a wildflower meadow, so, cotton, linen and Freesia fragrances are dreamy to me as well as lemon. In the winter I like Eucalyptus (reminds me of the smell of forests in my native Portugal) and orange (again Portugal). For the bedroom, I love Rose and Honeysuckle.

➸ Create a relaxing corner/room

Now, the home is where you sleep, eat, wash, play, cook, and sometimes even work, so there has to be a room (if you're lucky) or a corner of your home that is strictly for chillaxing. And I don't mean where you go to scroll down Google+ (I smugly don't have facebook) relaxing, unwinding is when you don't do or listen to anything, oh the thought of it! Ok, I need to write a post about this, so until then maybe it's a place you can just listen to soft music or read a book. Make it as comfy as you can, soft light, fairy lights, scented candle, cushions, blankets etc. Create a place with no distractions, a place you can just sit and daydream.

Pink roses add instant shabbychicness.

➸ When in doubt, add flowers

Yes. Flowers and/or plants/succulents make the dullest of places look like you care. I have to say, Roses and Gypsophilas are my absolute favourite flowers to have in the house. I love Gypsophilas so much I keep them after they're dead and dry, and depending on the roses I air dry them as well and put them in clear bowls as a decoration. I think they look great and are a cute prop for my photos. Flowers instantly become the main attraction so if you're trying to distract someone's eyes from that centimetre deep pile of dust, get some flowers... Or dust your house and breathe fresh air or both...

➸ Declutter

Oh come on, I know you know this but, stop keeping stuff for the sake of it! Go through the cabinets and drawers, get rid of stuff, put the things you can't part with away in storage, feel light and free! Let go! Liberate yourself!

➸ Organise papers/bills

Get yourself some files will you? Oh please, get that boring stuff out of the way! Get some pretty file organisers and live happily ever after! The End.

Thanks so much for stopping by.

Much love,

Rita

Thursday, March 08, 2018
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Impostor syndrome and how to stop feeling like a fraud.

featured

Ok. This is a subject that I feel compelled to speak about, not only because I experience it often, but also because it is, I found, more common than one would expect.

The winter holidays are upon us, the year is coming to the end and with it, self evaluation and planning for the new year ahead. Although it can be an exciting time it's also time to start new things... For some of us this is cause for dread.

It can feel as though we are this tiny person at the bottom of a long staircase looking up to the top and wondering how the bloody hell are we going to get there. Well that's where the problem lie, we should be looking to the next step, not the top! The top is daunting, it seems so far away that we stop before even starting. So, when you have a goal, say a career change, get into good physical shape, start a business, a blog, whatever it is, ask yourself what is the next step, and do that. One step at the time is going to take you to the top eventually, not jumping from bottom to the top in one leap.

What is it

Self-doubting thoughts like "I don't know enough", "I don't look a certain way", "who am I to do that", "why would people even care", "they'll find out I'm just winging it", "my ideas aren't original" (the list goes on) appear out of nowhere and slowly talk us out of whatever we endeavour. Specially in an era where many of us are self-taught...
To the "Impostor" however the need for control, and external validation will eventually lead to burnout.

Coming up roses.
-book by Cath Kidston

Impostor Syndrome isn't considered a mental disorder or illness, at this time, but rather a concept that describes when individuals are unable to internalize their accomplishments and experience a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud". At first I thought that was something that affected more women, because they are perhaps more vocal about it, however it is known to affect both men and women in equal amounts but the way males process and act on it differ from females. It is common amongst high achievers...
Some professionals in the field of mental health believe it should be called the "Impostor Experience", as almost everyone experiences it at some point of their lives, so more specific wording would help us understand that we are not isolated cases therefore diminishing feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

You can't help something you don't acknowledge, so first things first, you need to admit it to yourself first and foremost, only then you can start helping yourself.

Over working, perfectionism, avoidance of displaying confidence in ones abilities, feeling fake or phony, disregarding ones achievements as mere luck or anyone can do it, are some signs you might be experiencing "fraud" feelings. Of course it all depends on ones personality and background but if those feelings go unnoticed they can cause you to feel anxiety, stress and sadness, and that is not how you want to start 2018!

Advice

I am by no means a professional in these matters (DISCLAIMER ALERT!), but I am a human being with some experience, so I would like to suggest some ideas that you can apply if you're feeling down or anxious due to worry related to Impostor Experience.

• First, my friend, you can do it. You can do it and you will! You just have to commit to it.

• Second, speak to someone you trust about it, sometimes just sharing makes you feel lighter and showing some vulnerability with someone might lead them to share something they've been stressing about as well. We can all be there for each other! If you don't have that person you feel comfortable to speak about these things, you can drop me an email, I'm more than happy to be that person for you :)

• Third, you must have courage. Feel the fear, observe it and let it go.

• Fourth, write down your feelings, organise your thoughts and take action. Enjoy the process not just the outcome.

• Fifth, ask for help when you need. I know it's unthinkable for some people (guilty 😬) but asking for help, not only will make your task easier, it will also give others permission to ask you for help.

• Lastly, this is crucial, if you feel you can't cope by yourself and certain low feelings just won't go away, just know that there is help and you might want to speak to your General Practitioner or call a helpline, there are some helpful ones HERE if you live in the UK, or look for contacts in your country.

Stay safe and as always...

much love,

Rita xx